Where I Find Myself

Each person has a unique, individual story, and mine is nothing short of that.

At the tender age of 17 years old, a senior in high school, I was diagnosed with Graves disease. Graves disease is an auto immune disease that attacks the thyroid. We knew something was wrong - I lost 30 lbs, rushed to the emergency room with chest pains -- all this within a week. When they took my vitals I had a cholesterol amount of zero. My body was simply working overtime. Due to the severity, I was given emergency radioactive iodine treatment to kill my thyroid gland. The treatment took care of the Graves disease but it meant I would be hypo(under)active with my thyroid for the remainder of my life. Essentially, a little pill called Synthroid would act as my thyroid. Problem with this, it doesn't naturally react and regulate me as your thyroid does inside the body. Only way to alter the dosage is to obtain a blood sample and tweak based on the results. If you aren't sure of how important your thyroid is, look it up. It assist in controlling your sight, joints, muscles, hormones, neck, how you swallow, ability to reproduce, and so forth. I went through a time of pure anger, at God, for this battle. I felt unfortunate and the common feeling of why me? What I learned in the coming years was that God wasn't punishing me, it's not that He doesn't love me as much, in fact it's quite the opposite.

Fast forward 11 years. I'm married to an incredibly strong and supportive, loving man and we're wanting to start a family. My thyroid condition (or lack there of) was going to make it a tough process, so we waited, and waited, and waited long enough that I made an appointment to talk about options in moving forward. Essentially, I was asking the Dr. what assistance we could receive, be it IVF or any other form of help to move the process along. I was feeling unusual in this appointment, I asked the nurse if I could take a pregnancy test, fully knowing it was going to be false, just as the ones I took at home were. The nurse popped her head in the door and asked me if I wanted to see the test, I immediately started sobbing in great joy. The test was positive! What turned out to be an appointment of feeling hopeless became an appointment of absolute joy and thankfulness for myself and my husband, who, sat in shock as he processed the news. God walked into the room and changed the atmosphere.
I had a picture perfect pregnancy. Every Dr. appointment was good news, it couldn't of been more perfect. I was 34 weeks and a few days pregnant when we noticed my swelling to really increase, more so than the normal pregnant woman. We called my OBGYN and got in the next morning. The nurse took my blood pressure and sent us immediately to the hospital, my blood pressure was sky high and I was diagnosed with Preeclampsia. Proteins in my urine were off the charts, and with bed rest and monitoring for 24 hours my Dr. made the decision to do an emergency C Section. Both my life and our precious baby girl, Alexa's life, was in danger. At 35 weeks Alexa was born, weighing 4 lbs 2 oz. We found ourselves in the NICU for a week and came home with no major issues. My little girl is a fighter, I like to think she gets that from me.
At a follow up appointment we were told that I have a Unicornuate uterus which tends to lead to late term (35+ weeks) miscarriages. God knew, I am beyond thankful for my healthy miracle.

In the months and years after Alexa I was struggling with postpartum depression. It hit hard. Understandably though, as my hormones were all over the map and my thyroid pill wasn't able to level me. Anxiety, depression, anger, mood swings, it was a hard time. Even still, we decided it was time to start trying for another baby. Again, we waited, and waited, all while the anxiety, depression, etc. was getting worse and almost unbearable. We sought help, mainly because I was without a menstrual cycle for 10 months, we wanted to get things checked.
I was referred to a fertility specialist where we were given a glimmer of hope. The Dr. thought this was going to be an easy fix. I did blood work and the results were in. I was diagnosed with Primary Ovarian Insufficiency ("POI"), by far, NOT an easy fix. My ovaries had shut down, I had little to no eggs left, and what was left was not mature for conception, I was pre (if not already post) menopause. Devastated. Silent. Numb. That's what I felt. This explained a lot of the emotions I had been dealing with, but with that understanding came the awful truth, my ability to conceive another child was non existent. My options: IVF through an egg donor, surrogacy, adoption, or God. God is the true physician, the miracle maker.

This is where I find myself. 

Estrogen patches to supplement what my body isn't producing, a thyroid that isn't level due to this diagnosis, medicine to attempt to crank start something that doesn't work, testing to ensure nothing else is failing, anxiety, depression, complete and pure sadness, long nights going over the next steps for our family.
I never feel good, I haven't since my Graves Disease diagnosis, it's just the nature of the beast. I smile and pursue life because I know that God is good. I find Him in our secret place, He blows on me and renews my spirit, with Him I can face another day. I move forward because I have the most incredible support system; my family. My parents, my sister, everyone in between, most importantly, my husband and my daughter. My husband recently told me that I was the strongest person he knows. He sees me at my worst, my absolute worse. He sees me when I am weak, tired, sad, wanting to give up, and for him to say I am the strongest person he knows gives me the drive to put one foot in front of the other.
It's been a month since this rocked my spirit. I'm broken but not defeated.